Apparently you make a good broom.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
