We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
