well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
