Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
