Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
