Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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