the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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