a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
