Umm I'm too high to move.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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