I feel great
I just peed on a car
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
