Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
