god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
