There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
