If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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