cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
