one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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