I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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