Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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