Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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