Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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