I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
