She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
