Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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