I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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