i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
