you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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