my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize