My brain says no but my pants say off.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I AM VODKA MAN
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
