tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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