Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
