I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
