i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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