the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
