She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
