I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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