I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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