I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
