using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
