youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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