we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
