Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
