I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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