oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
