I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
