my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
