You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
