Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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