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Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
