In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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