Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
