WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
