I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
