Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
