i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
