Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't deserve a penis
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
