I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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